Isolation Anxiety

Dear Readers,

I think the one thing that most people who don't suffer from anxiety fail to understand is just how debilitating and isolating anxiety and panic disorder can make someone feel. I went to see some friends of mine over this past weekend, one of whom also suffers from anxiety.

That same day he told me he was having anxiety attacks and wasn't able to remove himself from his bed. I thought the best thing I could do as a fellow victim of anxiety and as a friend was to go and visit him; thinking that maybe having some company would help to alleviate some of those attacks. Like the old saying goes, misery loves company.

The funny thing is when I started to speak to him about his attacks, he tells me that I can't really understand what he was going through and that I have no idea how he feels when those attacks strike. I understand the competitive nature of people, but do people with the same disorder really have to compete as to who has it worse.

When these attacks strike, the immediate feeling we all get is that nobody has it as badly as we do. I have been a competitive person my entire life, whether it be in sports, board games, cards, school. I always tried to strive to be the best I could be. Often times if I saw that failure was right around the corner I would probably just jump ship and leave it at that. Never in my life did I feel that I would have to justify how debilitating my illness was, especially not to someone who suffered from the same disorder.

However, when panic sets in, we will seek out anyone who will listen, for me it doesn't matter if they can empathize or if they suffer from the same problems. I lay in bed, tossing and turning, my heart begins to race and i realize that I'm in the midst of a panic attack. There is only so much comfort turning the TV on and watching the same old re-runs can do to alleviate my pain. It's 3am and not another person within a mile of me to talk too. My mind races and I pray that I can find a way to relax. Sometimes I will call on family when there is nobody else, because they maybe the only ones willing to pick up the phone in the middle of the night to listen to my suffering.

It scares me to think that this is what my life has become; an endless and vicious cycle of insomnia and fear. During the day we can find a myriad of distractions to help deal with our anxiety, but once the curtain of darkness sets in and the moonlight is our only audience, our anxiousness is amplified by the silence and we yearn for a friendly calming voice to make it seem OK.

When i choose not to burden my family and rob them of a well deserved night sleep. I actually call upon my friends who live in a different time zone, preferably a few hours back, so that I don't feel like I'm intruding on their sleep as well, at least not as badly. After keeping them on the phone for several hours, i finally exhaust myself and find my way to sleep.

It's a tough burden to bare, but maybe we are strong enough to handle it. Although I know I would very much like not to have to carry this burden. I would love to hear from my readers as to how you deal with your insomnia, who do you turn to in times of panic? how do you find ways to calm your restless souls?

_The People_